Since Ian was two, I have wanted to know what goes on inside his head. How does he experience the world? Why does he seem to ignore me when I am talking to him? Why does he often feel lost and alone? He can't explain these things to me, not yet. It has been my hope that if I could understand the way he feels, I could help him understand the things that don't make sense to him. We could be closer. Maybe he wouldn't feel so isolated.
Last night it happened. I had a dream that I was in high school with the same classmates I had back in 1984. Only this time, I had Asperger's.
It was odd from the second the dream began. The class room was not well-lit. Some places were completely dark and others were way too bright, making it difficult to concentrate. Looking around the room, the faces were familiar but the voices were garbled and their words made no sense. It was as if they were speaking English but they mixed the order of the words so the meaning was lost.
At first I thought I was crazy. Maybe I'd had a stroke. When I spoke, everything I said was clear and made sense, but only to me. The other people in the room gave me odd looks. Some yelled at me, as if louder commands would help me understand. Some teased, others laughed, and a few just ignored me altogether.
It was obvious we were working on some sort of group project. I had no idea what the purpose was or what my role was to be. No one thought my input was relevant. I held scissors in my left hand, which felt very strange, probably because I am right-handed. Several colors of construction paper were scattered over my desk. Assuming my job must involve cutting something with the scissors, I attempted to make shapes from the construction paper to no avail. My hand could not open and close the shears appropriately. The paper just tore in jagged lines.
Frustration set in. I wanted to cry. Tears welled, but I fought them back, not wanting the others to see I didn't know what to do. While the others conversed and made progress, the room seemed to flow away from me, as a river going through a blurry tunnel. I felt empty inside - completely alone.
The color of the paper I held began to fade to gray, except for brightly lit holes where my tears had dripped. The light coming through in brilliant rays stung my eyes and made my head hurt. I felt the urge to run, to get away from the confusion as fast as I could. Screaming, I dropped everything and began running clumsily through an unfamiliar place. My body refused to move the way I wanted it to, and I fell repeatedly. Finally, I just stopped trying to get up, stopped trying to do anything. I felt useless.
My body jolted awake. It must have been about 3:00 a.m. I looked around the bedroom, trying to find something familiar. I heard Toby, our Boston Terrier puppy, snoring loudly from his bed. Once I recognized my surroundings and began to breathe slowly, what became clear to me is that my wish had been granted. I finally had an idea of what it feels like to be Ian. I hope I never forget.
2 comments:
very inventive mind that put this dream together... i think you must have had your "question" firmly in mind or subconscious when you fell asleep. very rich symbolism. very interesting.
the running thing: the harder you try to run in a dream, the less you will be able to get anywhere because your brain is sending out such panic to run that some gets to your legs... and your legs report back "all is still and at rest as it should be, brain. legs out." and your brain freaks. we're paralysed by a part of the brain stem in sleep, for safety. we usually don't notice it unless we awake still paralysed (i have, many times) or we have very powerful dreams that demand action. normally, the dream will report back that things are going as intended, but the intensity of the signal overpowers that suggestion and our body reports solid and stuck body parts. similar reason for the sight. we see normally in dreams until we try really hard to see... then we notice how little seeing we're really doing... and that our eyes are reporting darkness (or sometimes a still image, if your eyes open up a little in sleep paralysis).
your dream fascinates me on several levels. notably the technical ;-) which is not what you intended to showcase ;-)
thanks for sending me a link to this and sharing this with the world. it's a very vibrant and emotional piece of writing, as well as a shining example of "discovery" in empathizing with others.
i once had a dream where i had allowed a "game" or amusement park ride to get out of hand and someone who was "shot down" was vanishing, fading out of existence (except for glowing eyes) in their space suit when i opened up the helmet visor to check on them. i realized that i was being too rough and unkind and apologised. then the person came back to normal. i woke up and, as so often with my dreams, needed no interpretation. i knew i needed to pull back on my rough and rude behavior and be nicer than i was being, currently. moral lesson dream in flames and with sirens of obviousness, hey?
Dysamoria,
Thanks for sharing your insights and your dream. Our brains are complicated structures, but sometimes they slap us in the face with an obvious "DOH!"
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