I have lost a friend today. What she did was so hurtful, because she harshly judged my son for something neither of us knew was a problem. Ian does not realize what has happened, thank goodness. The pain of that is something I will feel for him, because I don't ever want him to know that someone we once trusted and considered to be part of our family has forgotten how important friendship is.
We spent very little time with these close friends this summer. Our schedules never seemed to click in order to have play dates - rather, whenever I would call to invite them over some excuse always seemed ready. They never issued any invitations in return. So, I've been expecting there to be changes this year, but not the way they happened this week.
Ever since our swimming pool went in the parents have claimed they don't want their kids at our house without one of them present to supervise. HE never volunteers to supervise, leaving her to do it. I made it clear to them that their childrens' safety has always been my priority and still is. We have numerous safeguards in place to prevent kids from wandering into the pool area alone. I never allow the kids to have a play date when I cannot give them 100 percent of my attention. Apparently, they still think I am incapable of monitoring a play date to their satisfaction.
Because of this, the kids are missing out on friendship.
Still, why would she call me and say she is pulling out of our carpool? She claims it is because she likes having her kids to herself and having it quiet in her car after school. IT'S A 5 MINUTE DRIVE! I don't know what goes on in her car during carpool, but in mine the kids tell jokes, laugh and sing songs. I guess she doesn't like the sounds of children enjoying themselves FOR 5 MINUTES!
Last year, whenever it rained on her day to drive carpool, she would make Ian take off his shoes before getting in her van. When they would arrive at my house she would make him get out and then she threw his shoes out the window into the wet grass. This happened several times, and I was astounded at her rudeness each time. She didn't make anyone else take off their shoes. Just Ian. And it's a mini-van, not a freakin' palace!
Eventually, she confessed that she didn't want to have Ian in her carpool, claiming his behavior is more than she can tolerate. When I confronted her about this, I asked why this is the first I have heard about my son's behavior being intolerable in three years of carpooling together. How can she dare look me in the eye and try to blame her tactless decision on my son? He rarely says anything on the way to school and is often silent on the way home. Could it be her own children are astonishingly loud when other children are in the car with them BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT KIDS DO?
Although this is not the first time someone has shied away from my friendship because of the challenges our family faces, it is the first time someone has been so blatant as to accuse my child of causing her children to act inappropriately. Absolutely astonishing. Talk about insecure parenting skills!
What is she teaching her children? That it is fine to teach tolerance and acceptance of people with differences at school and at church, but in her home/minivan it is permissible to be disrespectful to those with special needs? That her wallowing in her own insecurities outweighs the need to be kind?
I may not have all the answers about raising kids, especially those with special needs; but there is one thing about which I am certain ... my autistic children are far better adjusted to life in the real world than her coddled "normal" ones will ever be.
2 comments:
Apparently your son hitting my daughter in the face and wiping boogers on the other kids in the carpool is supposed to be okay with me. When I asked you about it, you didn't even try. You merely said, "Well, we can't punish him for something he can't control." I was just tired of the lack of follow-through and concern for anyone else's wellbeing or property. I would love for us to be friends and for the kids to be friends, but apparently it must be entirely on your terms. It's too bad you can't accept a CARPOOL change and respect our boundaries/family rules enough to be friends.
As for the shoes in the rain, they were completely covered with mud, which is why he was the only one who had to take them off.
It's sad, when we stopped by the other day so the kids could play, I though you were so friendly. I guess I was wrong when I left that scene thinking things would be okay... that we were both mature enough to move on.
It is interesting how your version of things and mine are so completely different. I don't recall Ian ever hitting your daughter in the face intentionally - it did happen once by accident, and he apologized. If there was another time, please fill me in because this is the first time you've mentioned it. It's kinda hard to follow through if I don't know it has happened. Don't take my words out of context and then try to use them against me. As for the boogers ... I thought I nipped that one in the bud. It was dealt with immediately and never happened again to my knowledge. None of this type of behavior ever took place in my car or Niki's, so it sounds like the problem is .... you and your inability to have things "entirely on your terms".
Christy, it isn't so much the fact that you made him take off his shoes. It's that you made him get out of the car into the rain WITHOUT his shoes, and then you tossed his shoes out the window at him as if taking target practice with trash. Talk about not being concerned "for anyone else's wellbeing or property." You really take the cake.
Whenever someone comes to my home, I try to be cordial regardless of how I feel about them. It is your bizarre "boundaries/family rules" and your complete inability to see the big picture that is preventing us from being friends. Of all the people in this neighborhood, you are THE ONLY ONES who refuse to let your children come into my home without a body guard. Get a clue.
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