Compassion...It's not Just for NT's* Anymore

Ian has always had difficulty seeing and accepting other people's points of view. Rigid thinking is one of the barriers that keeps him from forming friendships. Granted, at age 6, how complex is any child's ability in that regard? I have to think, however, that if my 3 year-old daughter can at times show compassion for others and accept differences of opinion, then Ian can work on it too.

I first learned the term "neurotypical" (or NT*) from something I ready by Temple Grandin. She is one of my autism heroes, and I hope one day she will be one of Ian's as well. NT's are people whose sensory systems/neurological systems are normal. One of the reasons emotions and connectedness are so difficult for people with autism is because (in layman's terms) the part of the brain that deals with emotions is missing some connections to the rest of the neurological system. Of course, it is more complex than that, and Dr. Grandin explains it much better than I can. I am an NT, my son is an Aspie. We are comfortable with that terminology.

This is not to say my son does not feel emotions - he does; but HOW he feels them is confusing to him and most likely very different from the rest of us. This is one of the reasons he becomes so easily frustrated - he feels we are all picking on him. If someone wants something different from what he wants, he does not understand why we may choose the other person's preference for the entire group. In the past, if we offered a compromise - such as playing the other person's game first and playing his second - he would have a meltdown because his preference did not take priority. A compromise just wasn't good enough and/or his world could not deal with such an incongruity.

In the last few days, however, I have seen a change in him that warms my heart (or maybe it is the 107 degree temperatures we're having, or a hotflash, who knows?). Ainsley has decided she wants to sit in Ian's seat in the car. Not a big deal; most kids would welcome trading places for a change of pace. Not for an Aspie, though. Ritual and consistency provide a predicatable environment and comfort. In other words, Ian is a SEVERE creature of habit. The first time this happened I fully expected Ian to be furious. Although a very long and loud discussion ensued, we were finally able to reach a compromise that the kids would trade seats each time we got in the car that day. After that, the argument was settled. They have been trading seats each car ride ever since.

Today, Ainsley desperately wanted to listen to her favorite song on the Dora the Explorer "Dance Party" CD. Ian wanted to listen to his favorite song, which happened to be playing when I started the van. Ainsley yelled and argued in typical 3 year-old fashion. Ian quietly tried to reason with her. She just got louder and more obnoxious. Finally, Ian said, "Mom, it's o.k. to play Ainsley's song. I don't want her to be mad."

Kuh-thud! Did I hit something? Is the sky falling? Am I dreaming?

"Ian," I said. "That is really nice of you to offer, but I think Ainsley needs to learn to be more polite. When she can stop yelling and be more respectful of the other people in the car, we will listen to her song. Right now, we'll enjoy your song."

Honestly, I don't remember driving the next 2 miles, because I was still going over his statement in my head and wondering how he came to be such an agreeable child at times.

This afternoon, as the kids and I were playing in the toy room, I suggested we take a quick break to clean up some of the toys. I told Ian that the train track he and Ainsley had built from one end of the play room, across the bridge, and into the hallway by their rooms was getting to be kind of dangerous. I explained that last night I stepped on it when I went upstairs to check on them.

"I'm sorry we left the train track out, Mom," Ian said. "I will pick it up so you won't get hurt again."

CCCCCRRRRAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK! Did lightning strike?

I never said I had been hurt (although my pinky toe hurt like hell when it got pinched between the tracks). My son has never made such a complex connection without having it broken down into tiny pieces and put together for him, much less expressed it in a complete thought. He voluntarily began picking up his trains and putting them in a bucket without my close supervision. I was so happy I wanted to cry.

And it lasted about 15 seconds. That was all the cleaning up he could handle, and he went right back to playing with his Bionicles. Damn, I really thought we were on a roll!

Actually, we were, and still are. His understanding of other people's feelings and his own is definitely growing. He is beginning to expand his knowledge beyond his own safety bubble. He must be terrified. Hopefully, each new revelation will bring with it a feeling of success for him so that he will continue to take the risks that can be so rewarding. I don't know if his brain will ever allow him to feel the depth of emotional connectedness to others that I feel. But I think what he has experienced this week is a good start.