Why Don't Aspies Play?

As I walked home from school with my 8 year-old daughter today, I noticed many of the neighborhood children enjoying the sunny afternoon and playing with friends outside.  Some rode their bikes, others walked to the park. A few were walking leisurely home and talking. It's the same scene when I bring Ian home from middle school.

Instead of thinking about how nice it is to live in a neighborhood where the kids can still ride bikes and run through the yards playing games, it made me sad.  My children don't do those things that I enjoyed when I was their age. Most of the time, they prefer to come home to quiet, video games, homework (ok, they don't prefer that, but it's part of the schedule), and spending time with each other. Even if someone asked them to go for a bike ride they wouldn't, because they are both too embarrassed that they still need training wheels to keep their balance.

There are a few select kids who will venture forth to enter the worlds of Ian and Ainsley.  Often, that is one world. They have always been close, each others' favorite playmate and best friend.  They know each other like the backs of their own hands, almost as much as twins would.  Outsiders learn quickly that they prefer to be a package deal. They are most comfortable when they are together.

I wonder . . . is that enough for them?  Do they ever feel lonely? I worry about Ian, especially, because right now he really has only one good friend from school.  There are boys from our Lego club who he enjoys playing with a few times a month.  Is that enough?  Ainsley socializes a little more at school, but not much. She knows everyone, but when it comes down to true friends even she really has only one.

Does it bother them that they don't ride bikes and run through the neighborhood? Do they even want to have friends? Are the rules of social interaction so complicated that they would just prefer not to bother at all? If I ask these questions out loud, will it open the floodgates of self-pity for them?

Are they happy?

I think Ainsley is, but I'm not always sure about Ian.  He's a tough egg to crack.

There are times when he knows a situation calls for a smile, and I can watch as his brain slowly sends the message to the corners of his mouth to turn upward. These contrived faces are obvious to me because his eyes don't reflect what the rest of his face is indicating.  At least he knows when to fake it. Other people are not always aware of how difficult it is for him to read unfamiliar situations. Does this make other children less interested in being his friend? Is it just too hard to be his friend that no one wants to make the effort?

Every morning when we part company at school, he says good-bye to me at least 4 times with and I-love-you in the middle. There is no emotion on his face, only words.  We regularly cause the carpool line to be backed up into the street because of our tradition that has been going on for over 6 years. I love those moments, and at the same time it tears at my heart to say good-bye that way.

As I look at the clock and see that it isn't long until I'll pick him up from school, I am looking forward to seeing his genuine smile, the one that lets me know how glad he is to see me. I've missed him today. Maybe we'll work on some friendships this afternoon ... if they want to.