The Last One to Know

The last few days have left me feeling exhausted, angry, frustrated, and hopeful. No, I haven't been in meetings to negotiate an IEP. Go one step further. I have been trying to ensure that my son's IEP is followed and that the individuals on his team think not only about the results of behavior but also to the causality of behavior.

Ian has had a difficult semester so far. He has become angry, combative, stubborn, and unwilling to follow rules. He has hit fellow classmates on two occasions and disregarded teachers' instructions numerous times. Everyone who deals with him at school is frustrated.

I can count on one hand the number of times in the last three months I have received a phone call or email about Ian's behavior ... until two days ago when the number soared to seven in forty-eight hours. That is when I learned that these disruptive, even combative, behaviors have occurred daily, mostly in the last month.

No one was more frustrated than I was at being the last one to know.

This week, I learned several difficult lessons about being the parent of a special needs child. The first: Make sure the school sends home daily reports on how your child is doing in his school work and behavior. This year, I have rarely been contacted about my son, and only when there has been a problem. I thought things were going well. You can't go back and fix something that happened six weeks ago. In order to address the challenges and celebrate the successes, timeliness is a must.

The second lesson: Be proactive, not reactive. Set your child up to succeed by putting in place a reward system for doing as instructed and for tackling and overcoming those tough barriers. Our autistic children react to negative reinforcement with more negative behavior. Punishing them only works in very rare circumstances. Rewards keep the desired behaviors coming and boost the child's self-confidence.

The third lesson: Don't assume the school is going to investigate every incident to the fullest. Teachers today have so much on their plates. Honestly, I don't know how they do it. Although we hope that every problem our children encounter will be handled perfectly, at some point someone is going to make a mistake. Communication is going to break down, and your child is going to be punished for something that isn't necessarily his fault. Ask your child his side of the story. He may not have been able to verbalize what happened to the proper adult, or to one who was willing to wait for his explanation.

Fourth: Go to bat for your child, and try to maintain your composure. I was not entirely successful in this step. My anger over Ian being held completely accountable for reacting violently to a bully's taunts was visible, despite my attempts to be a rational defender of justice. Try not to be nasty or get personal. Everyone makes mistakes.

Fifth: Let your child know you believe in him, even if his behavior was not the best choice he could have made. You can always help him work on knee-jerk reactions that can get him into trouble. Letting him know you love him, even when he makes a mistake, is still the best thing you can do for a child who is struggling to fit in.

Someone asked me recently if things get easier or better over time - do my children evolve into beings that act in a way that is considered normal. What I have discovered is that when things seem like they are getting easier, prepare for a volcanic eruption. Something new will develop soon enough that will cause you to roll your eyes and sigh. There is no normal, no flat land. It's a roller coaster ride that surprises you at every turn. You can diminish some of those surprises by staying informed. Take it upon yourself to get fully immersed in your kid's business.

I let my level of involvement slip this time by not asking enough questions. That will not happen ever again.