The Black Glove

Ian never goes anywhere without a toy in his hand or pocket. When he gets up in the morning and can barely dress himself, he always remembers to stumble around his room until he finds the object of the day. Often it is a car. It used to be a train engine. Lately it has been a Lego creation, usually a Bionicle. But since his eighth birthday, it has been Darth Vader's black glove.

Ian likes to pretend he is Anakin Skywalker, the young Jedi who had yet to discover the Dark Side of the Force. Ian insists he has a robotic arm and must keep it covered by the black glove. He also continues to carry either a light saber or a Lego flier of some sort with the gloved hand. This makes him prepared to do battle or flee at a moments notice.

I believe the things he keeps with him give him stimming opportunities that are less conspicuous than hand flapping, finger tipping (touching thumb to each finger in sequence and back again), or drumming a beat with his hands or whatever object is near, such as a fork. He can manipulate these objects in a way that helps him stay calm.

Sometimes these objects have to go to time out because they have a tendency to distract Ian from tasks such as eating, homework, or putting his shoes away. Rarely does he go to bed at night without one of them held firmly in his hand. Although I have told him he may not sleep in the glove, every morning I find it in his bed, usually under his pillow. I wonder if he thinks by placing it there, the Tooth Fairy will bring Anakin a new arm.

Yesterday we decorated the Christmas tree. There was Ian with glove on one hand and Star Wars ship in the other. I insisted the glove must be removed when handling ornaments. So, he took it off to place a decoration on the tree, then he put the glove back on immediately. Every single time. And when he fumbled and dropped his Kung Fu ornament from last year, he didn't cry or lose control. He very simply asked me if I could fix it.

I am relieved that he has moved beyond Thomas the Tank Engine and Sponge Bob Square Pants. Tackling this very complicated Star Wars character shows tremendous growth. In fact, it reflects deepening ability to understand his own emotions. Perhaps the Star Wars movies and the way they address the complexity and power of emotions has helped him realize they are a very important part of life.

One day last week he lashed out at Ainsley for breaking one of his Bionicles. Of course, it could be fixed in seconds, but it ticked him off all the same. He punched his sister fairly hard, made her cry, and Steve was ready to hang them both up by their underwear. I took Ian aside, sat him on the floor in my lap with my arms around him, and had him take some deep breaths. After he was calm, I asked him in a voice just barely above a whisper,

"Do you think it was a good decision to hit Ainsley?"

"But, Mom, she broke my Bionicle!" he protested.

"I know, but do you think hitting her was the best way to deal with it?"

"Yes, and she should have to be punished!" he continued angrily.

"Ian, Ainsley broke apart a plastic toy that can be fixed very easily. You can probably do it in just a few seconds. And if you show her how to fix it, maybe next time she'll be more careful with your toys. The toy doesn't have feelings. When it broke, nothing happened. Ainsley does have feelings. When you punch her, it hurts her where you hit her. It also hurts her feelings, because it makes her think the toy is more important to you than she is," I explained.

He took another deep breath, and I felt the anger leave his body. Immediately, he got up and apologized to Ainsley, then began showing her how to fix it. Six months ago, he never would have gotten past the broken toy.

Each year everyone in our family gets a new ornament for the Christmas tree. Although the one I selected for Ian is probably the ugliest one I could find, I think it was a good choice for him. What do you think?