Is is Me. . .or Have My Children Lost Their Minds?

I don't know how to put this delicately, so I'll just say it outright. . .

My children have been acting as dumb as a bag of hammers!

The day before yesterday, they decided that my kitchen table, chairs, and floor are all appropriate media for finger painting. Then, they stripped and painted themselves. Then they ran through the house with painted feet. There is a trail of green and purple footprints (child sizes 10 and youth size 1) going from the kitchen through the living room across the foyer up the stairs through Ainsley's room to the bathroom. I gave each of them a mop and a bucket of water and sent them to clean the tile floor (professionals will most likely be doing the carpet).

Where did they get the idea that a mop is the appropriate cleaning tool for the table top? This is the same mop I use in the bathroom around the toilet; and no, I hadn't washed it since the last time it did that job. I have never appreciated Clorox wipes as much as I did then.

Yesterday, while I was on the phone, Ian found his school scissors. He looked at his sister and decided she needed a haircut. Apparently, she needed a hole in the back of her dress too - the one I had purchased exactly one week ago. Then Ainsley thought Ian's hair needed a touch up as well. They must have been playing a game of tag while the cutting took place, because long chunks were scattered throughout the first floor of the house. Between the two of them, they lost enough hair to make a decent comb-over toupee.

You might say my kids need better supervision. I agree. Does anyone know a baby sitter willing to come to my house every time I need to pee? That's how fast they are. They must have midnight conferences in the bathroom to plot the next day's activities. All I know is this:

Nobody warned me about this before I had children!!! Does anyone know the Return Policy on offspring?