On Not Being Normal

It didn't take long for life to get back to the usual around here. Ian and Ainsley have been playing well together, with a few arguments along the way. We took the latest diagnosis in, filed it with all the others, and continue to go about our life. No, we're not ignoring it. But there also is no point in making the diagnosis a star. It is a word, a state of being, a description, and it is under control with medication.

So the kids have been taking swimming lessons every morning for the last two weeks. Ainsley does very well and hates to see her half hour lesson end. Ian hates taking swimming lessons. The other children don't want to be his friends, and that makes him sad. I explained to him that swimming class is not the ideal situation for making friends because the class is very short. During that time, each child should be focusing on the instructor so he/she can learn as much as possible. That explanation didn't help him much. His self-esteem and confidence are very low, and his challenges are like beacons when comparing him to other kids his own age. The coordination and strength just aren't there.

It also does not help one make friends when one spends a great deal of lesson time barking like a dog. . .or getting out of the pool to hop like a frog. . .or lecturing the other kids about what it means to be a BFF (best friend forever). . .or licking the side of the pool.

The instructor is nice enough, but I don't think he had ever heard of Asperger's or autism when I told him about Ian on the first day. This guy might be 18 years old, at the most. He smiles and is patient with Ian, but he doesn't push Ian to try anything he doesn't want to. And that's o.k., especially if he hasn't a clue what to do if Ian has a meltdown. It would be nice to have Ian in a swimming program that better suits him. He could do well in different circumstances.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with a neighbor about a similar situation. A parent he knew was attempting to get his daughter interested in group activities. The daughter was clearly on the autism spectrum, but the father refused to acknowledge it publicly or to make accommodations for her needs. He pushed her into activities that frightened her and forced her to complete them no matter how terrible the outcome. Other parents involved in these activities observed how cruel it was, but none of them felt they knew him well enough to say anything to him.

I wish I had been there. As my husband knows, I have NO problem walking up to a parent and asking about their children - or offering advice. Yeah, I know. I shouldn't do that, but for the kids' sake, I can't stand back and watch parents belittle their children in public. When a parent forgets that their child's fears are very real, it's time for a dope slap. When a parent forgets that it isn't about them, it's about the child, that parent needs a time out. When a parent thinks that by forcing a child to do something he/she doesn't want to do that it will be good for the child, it's time for an intervention because HOMER DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT HIS KID IS DIFFERENT! It's o.k. to let your kid be different. It is fine if he/she doesn't want to be in Indian Guides/Princesses. It is not going to matter 20 years from now if your offspring does not make the varsity baseball team.

What WILL matter 20 years from now?

It will matter if you supported your child's true interests and talents and helped to nurture those strengths into something that means success to him.

Normal is so boring. Forget about normal. Just be.