The Perception Game

When you are new to the Asperger's World, there is so much to learn. The diagnosis itself catches many people off-guard and requires time to sink in. It is easy to feel confused by your child's behavior and overwhelmed by the inability to make your home a calm, sane place. The mountain before you is a snow-covered Everest, and you came to the hike wearing shorts and sneakers.

Take, for example, Ian's most recent tirade during which he managed to destroy two pairs of glasses. Steve and I handled the situation the best we could at the time. We tried to find out why he was so angry, but he couldn't put it into words, and we couldn't read his mind. We all went to bed exhausted and exasperated.

A couple of days later, I took Ian for his weekly visit to the psychologist. We spent considerable time delving into the "whys". Ian still was unable to put it into words. After 20 minutes of him zoning out on us, two books came to mind that really helped me.

Thinking in Pictures by Dr. Temple Grandin, and
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon

Each of these authors has helped me develop an idea of how my son thinks. It is not an easy technique to grasp because the process involves imagining feelings and sensations that neurotypical people usually block out. It also requires one to ignore social cues that are easily perceived and readily understood. Like a jury that is told to disregard something they have already heard, it is difficult to forget that the statement is out there and just look at the facts. So I tried to think like an Aspie, and this is what I came up with.

I am Ian, and I am standing on the edge of the carpet and the tile, feeling the bump between the two with my big toe. It feels odd for my heel to be on the soft carpet while my toe is on the cold, hard tile. My toe almost feels like it is not part of my body. I look up and see Dad racing straight at me on my red plasma car. He is laughing and has a really mean smile on his face. He isn't driving the car very well, and he runs over my toe. It hurts really, really bad. I scream at him and hit him because he did it on purpose. He thought it was funny because he laughed when it happened. My dad hates me! I am going to get away from him and lock myself in the bathroom so he can't hurt me again.

So, I asked him if this was the way he saw the situation. His voice seemed to smile in amazement that I had figured it out, that someone had looked at the world through his eyes. At that point we were finally able to help him understand that Steve was not being malicious, that it was an accident.

Perception is the key to understanding. Since his perception is clouded by an inability to read social cues, it is my job to help him slow down and assess people's actions based on the situation, not what he sees in his mind. He must learn to ask questions and clarify the intent of the person who has harmed or offended him. It's a lot to ask of a 7 year-old boy.

Ian and Ainsley have had a few tiffs since that night. Each time I have asked them both to put themselves in the other's place and see if the situation would turn out differently. Ainsley doesn't quite understand the game yet, but Ian does. He takes a deep breath and tries to be calm enough to try. In my book, making the effort is three-fourths of the way there.

My relationship with Ian has been different over the last week. Ian knows that I am trying to understand him, and he seems to appreciate that. There is a new connection between us. For me, it is a heightened intuitive sense. Now Ian is softer, a little less tense, a little more open. This is a good place.