We were gone 30 hours. It was lovely, but not nearly long enough to do either of us any good. It is time to recommit ourselves to our marriage by taking a break from parenthood.
Leaving the kids overnight has been difficult for me, even though I often long for solitude. I want to get away and relax, read a book, do grown up things; but as commitment time draws near I usually back away. Irrational worries preclude me from being able to escape.
Will the person/s taking care of my beautiful children have enough patience to get through the really difficult behavior issues that will arise?I see you nodding your head. It's a trap that we allow ourselves to fall into. I am doing my darndest to avoid the pitfall this time, and so far I am happily making plans to be alone with the man I married without too much fear of those things happening. My parents will be with the kids, and I am confident that Mom and Dad can handle just about anything my kids can dish out. Besides, Ian and Ainsley usually behave quite well for Noni and Papa.
Will the kids have difficulty falling asleep because I am not there to kiss them good-night?
Will Ainsley backslide on her potty training?
Will "the schedule" be adhered to?
Will medications be administered properly?
If Ian freaks out, will his behavior be dealt with properly (i.e., the way I do it)?
Will I miss them so terribly that I won't have a good time?
What if one of them gets sick or hurt?
The last few years have been difficult on our marriage. Steve and I handled the autism diagnoses very differently. Until recently, I was deeply hurt by the way he had handled it for the first year. I needed him to be strong and supportive. He needed to bury himself in work and spend less time at home. I read everything I could to try to help Ian, and Steve waited for me to tell him what to do. Not only were we not on the same page, we weren't even in the same book. But that was then.
Now I see that we all handle family stresses differently. No one is right or wrong. We made it through the heartbreaking beginning, coping in a manner familiar to each of us. Now we work well together when it comes to the kids. Co-captains coaching the family team.
It is so easy to neglect a marriage when one of your children has issues that command your attention 24/7. I believe this is true for EVERY COUPLE DEALING WITH AUTISM IN THEIR FAMILY. You become exhausted with the day-to-day activities and problem solving. Connecting as a couple loses its priority status. You hope each day that your partner will understand that you still love him, but the kids have wiped you out emotionally and physically and you just want to sleep uninterrupted at least one night a month. You hope he will understand enough so that yours won't become one of the many marriages that crumble under the strain of caregiving.
When he talks about his troubling day at the office, you try to listen and be supportive and say something other than "uh huh", but your mind is consumed by your own worries for the kids, the meltdowns, the tears, the number of poopy butts you wiped that day, and the loads of laundry on your bed waiting to be folded. You are mentally ticking off your to-do list, and planning the day for tomorrow. Will it snow again and make it difficult to get to the doctor's office? Did I pay the gas bill? Where did I leave the checkbook? Will the new specialist take credit cards? I hope the dry cleaner is open when we leave in the morning. Great! Another wet diaper! Up we go, get this one changed and hope one of us gets to eat dinner before 10:00. Need to sit down with Ian to go over the social story about the new doctor. Bath time in 10 minutes...
And that is what your brain goes through every hour of the day that you are conscious. The marriage will just have to wait.
So it goes, day after day, week after week, month after month, into one year, then two. One night you awaken in the early hours and realize you are sleeping as far apart on the bed as you can get. You can't even remember the last time the two of you kissed affectionately. You lie there, thinking about the things you've been missing that were once there. Do they still exist? Do we need therapy to find them again? (Who the hell has time for therapy, anyway? If we had time to see a counsellor, we could spend it going out on a date instead.) You scoot over to his side of the bed, put your arm around his waist, kiss the back of his neck, and snuggle close. He awakens enough to reach up and hold your hand.
That is when you know that it is still there...the partnership has survived, even though it hasn't been nurtured the way it should. You take a deep breath and fall gently back to sleep, knowing you will make the time to make it work. This time you won't let the anxieties and fears keep you from strengthening one of the best things your family has going for it.
I know I am not the only mother who feels this way. If what I have just described sounds familiar to you, then you need to plan a get-away with your spouse...soon! And if you see Steve and me walking along a beach in a few weeks, wave at me so I know you did something positive for your family too.
1 comment:
2nd time in 7 years - yikes! I know it's easy for me to say, as one of the daddies/husbands here in bloggerland, but the kids will survive. Go for it! Enjoy every minute, it's a must for your family.
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